Neptune Vs The Archive
by Zergface
Summary: Neptune takes it upon herself to address the entire Fanfiction Community, live from the Basilicom.


"HEEEEEEEEEEY!"

Neptune, with a funny frown on her face, leans in towards the camera, her eyes scrutinising the device before returning to her seat on the couch. This was her living room atop the Basilicom, the place where Planeptune's dignified CPUs would spend their days in private, and it was obvious that Neptune did not plan to stream herself live ahead of time.

The great and mighty Goddess of Planeptune curled around on the couch like a cat, kicking over pudding cartons and letting them fall flat on the miraculously clean white rug. As she settled down, Neptune glared at the camera with a glare.

"Stop!"

Neptune's gaze ended with a pout. Fiddling with an N-Gear over the side of the couch, the CPU sighed.

"So, after a busy day of constant work and dumb lectures," Neptune glances behind her, double checking that Histoire or Nepgear wouldn't call her out. "This little lady needs a break!"

Neptune pushes her cheeks into the armrest of the couch, knocking another empty container of pudding to the floor.

"But! Woe, woe is me!" She exclaims, waving her device in the air. "I try and get a good read, something new, fresh and amazing to captivate my precious imagination! But Woe! All I see is little ol' me get _shipped_!"

Neptune narrows her eyes in yet another pout, trying to drive down a point but failing.

"You think I _like_ stories about myself? Well, yeah, but do you think I like to read about my smokin' hot body being… touched and maimed by random hooligans on the internet? And for nothing but a single chapter or two, too?"

"Wow, at least spell _Gamindustri_ right…" Neptune flips across several titles, lazily scrolling with her finger. "And that's just a copy of that other story I saw! Wait just one gosh darn minute…"

"NEPUU!? These are all the same type of story!" The Goddess gasps in unrelenting terror, taken aback so utterly that an entire four seconds pass without a word. "Someone from Earth, mysteriously and magically taken!" She snaps her fingers. "Just like that!"

"And oh, oh my," She continues sarcastically. "They're the _chosen one_? Mhm. Yeppers!" She exclaims, exasperated. "Now, why would that guy get chosen, out of all the people on Earth? Why couldn't it be someone like Iffy, but with really really cool lazer ninja skills? And with pudding coming out of their hands? Now _that_ is someone I'd choose to save my precious nation."

She nods to herself, mentally giving herself a pat on the back.

"But really though, if you get into the nitty gritty bits of it…" She murmurs, almost to the point that the camera can't pick it up. "Why would I, of all people, get my freak on with random dude number fourty-two? He's got no redeeming values…" Neptune scrolls through a story, picking it apart.

"Oh!" Neptune exclaims in realization. "He's got sixteen abs! And a knack for… cooking? And caring?"

Neptune stifles a chuckle, letting her face sink into the couch armrest for a moment, then pushing out some strains of hair that fell in front of her eyes.

"Okay, so I might be straight _for all you know_ ," Neptune mutters rapidly before returning to a normal voice. "But just 'cause you're good at being a nice guy doesn't mean you're the only nice guy out there. I mean, I'd marry Umio on sight if that were the case!"

She cringes, then lightly spits onto the ground in a feeble attempt to cleanse her body.

"Okay, well, you see what I mean? Just tryin' to make a point, kids."

All of a sudden, before Neptune could keep talking, Nepgear stepped beside the couch-ridden Goddess with a face of curiosity.

"Neptune…" She started, raising her eyebrows in concern. "What are you doing? With all the noise you're making, Histoire thinks you're ranting again."

Neptune's eyes flash with surprise, flipping onto her back. "Nep Junior! What did I tell you about knocking! What if I was… _indecent_!?"

"Oh my goodness!" Nepgear gasps, covering her mouth with her hands. "I'm so, so sorry! I should've knocked, sis!"

"Eh," Neptune shrugged, turning back to the camera. "Doesn't matter now. Anyways," She says in a crescendo. "Little Nep, what goes through your premature mind concerning our archive?"

"Umm…" Nepgear keeps her hands on her face, shrinking away in embarrassment. "Are you recording?"

"No," Neptune cried out as if it were obvious. "We're live! And the whole world wants to know! Be honest, speak those thoughts!"

"Oh my goodness…" The CPU candidate takes in a deep breath, then lower her arms to her sides in an attempt to regain a suddenly lost composure. "I… um… I think we could ask for some more originality. I mean, the constantly reappearing scene where a bunch of bullies gang up on someone should be scrapped for good. And the teleportation, and the crazy scenes were I'm made to get molested…"

"That's the spirit!" Neptune rolls around on the couch, scrambling for a remote. "But now I'm tired."

"Nepgeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaar…" The CPU groans, flat on her back. "Get me some pudding… please?"

"Oh, okay." Nepgear walks off screen, and she can be heard to be rummaging through a mini-fridge.

"Mhmhrrmmhrrmmm…" Neptune moans into her couch in a sudden outburst of laziness. "Where's the remote…" She dangles her hand from the side of the couch. "Aha!"

"Hey Nep Jr, let's do some Immortal Kombat 82, maybe Vert is online." The Goddess chuckles to herself, pointing the remote at the camera. "Ha, what am I saying…"

"Wait a minute, Neptune, did you just question yourself?" Nepgear asks, returning from the mini-fridge with a tub of pudding in her hand.

"Maybe~!"

Neptune trails off as she flicks on the remote, and your screen fades to black.

* * *

Furious that your own precious Goddess would reject your story and valued OC, you pick up your device and throw it across the room, panting heavily.

After rubbing your neckbeard, you turn towards your katana collection and pick up the biggest sword you have.

"I…" You huff, crust-covered knuckles growing white from pressure. "I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!"

After warping to Gamindustri and saving it from a random threat, you encounter Neptune, who glares at you and your miraculously gained 18-pack.

"Yuck!" She shouts, and you commit seppuku.


End file.
